Sydney Film Festival 2012: Day 2

Today I witnessed something that I had only ever heard stories about. One of those things you may hear occasionally happen but think it must be an urban myth for it could never actually occur in reality. No one could be that oblivious of their fellow man. And not at a film festival. Well friends, I’m here to be your personal footnote for future reference as yesterday I finally saw it happen.
 
I saw someone answer their phone in a packed cinema during a screening and proceed to casually have a conversation lasting 2 to 3 minutes. It was like staring into the sun for me. I missed a chunk of the movie because I was staring, mouth agape, at what was truly next level asshole behavior. This all occurred outside of my shoosh radius and while I was entertaining fantasies of slapping the phone out of her hand before being hailed a hero by the rest of the cinema I just sat and stared. Why the couple who were sitting directly next to her didn’t do anything was another question. They were clearly fidgeting but seriously, if someone sitting next to you in a film answers a phone call I’m pretty sure you are in a righteous place to spew bile at them.
 
So long story short, this fucking vile example of humanity finished her call and then basically used her phone on and off for the next 20 minutes before the couple next door grew some balls and mentioned something. The bitch turns to her boyfriend, has a long conversation with him and then gets up to leave. She never came back for the rest of the film. The icing on the cake here and proof that fucktards attract fucktards was that her boyfriend, who chose to stay because he was enjoying the film, then used his phone intermittently every 7 or 8 minutes for the rest of the running time. Even the douche bag who wanted to watch the film, didn’t actually want to ‘watch’ the film.
 
So here is the status update kids, and take this as a general warning to all those attending film festival films over the next few days. My tolerance is all used up. I am a god damn ticking time bomb with a head of steam waiting to explode at the next fucker who pulls their phone out for more than 1 second (I’m torn on the time checking thing, get a watch if you really are a time checker). Stay tuned for the next update, if I end up arrested,  I hope county lock up has wi-fi cause the next phone light I see will be accompanied by a punch to the head. I’m willing to go to jail for this.
 
Oh… and don’t even get me started on the crunching pop corn and chip eaters (basically CAN YOU LET TWO HOURS PASS WITHOUT STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH FOOD YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH! AND IN WHAT REALITY IS A DRY, CEREBRAL, ART-HOUSE FILM PERFECTLY SUITED TO A BUCKET OF POPCORN!!).
 
 
Quick general housekeeping now:
 
 
• EXCISION was a fun genre effort.
 
“Take the cynicism of Daria, add a splash of Todd Solondz style discomfort, throw in a handful of Holy Mountain modeled dream sequences then slip it all into the frame of a high-school outcast narrative that frequently feels like Carrie with attitude and you have some kind of idea of what Excision is doing although it should be noted that it’s not nearly as great as any of those titles listed.”
Review on Artshub soon.
 
I’ll post a review of ON THE ROAD here soon but the quick version is ‘meh’. It’s the best film that one could’ve made from that book. Make of that what you will. It’s a shame that a film with a scene containing a naked Kristen Stewart masturbating two naked men in the front seat of a car speeding down the highway could end up so boring. It’s almost a sin really. In the words of a great critic “it’s well-shot but could do with some editing”. Oh and if you are a fan of the book and were wondering if they got Dean Moriarty right then let me disappoint you. They didn’t. They fucked him up royally.
 
• The EXCISION Q&A with director Richard Bates Jr was more fun than the film itself. He was drunk and kept urging the placid crowd to ‘get crazy’. His next film starts shooting in 2 months and is, in his words, “a hipster GHOSTBUSTERS”. I think I’m looking forward to it.
 
• Critic quote of the day: “I’ve seen both HUMAN CENTIPEDE films but I’ve never seen LAWRENCE OF ARABIA… In fact I’ve seen the second HUMAN CENTIPEDE twice...”